Gah. Brian has moved away. One would think that at this point I would feel relieved that he's not around to torment me anymore, but damn. I want him back.
Okay, I've come to terms with the facts that A. I love him and want things to go back to how they were, and B. We are indeed broken up. We had a lovely conversation the other day about how I am being too possessive and girlfriendy. My sociology book says that it's cuz I'm afraid of losing him. Which I am. Which I have, so now I have an explanation for why I don't want to let anyone else get near him. I honestly was nowhere near this bad when I was still with him.
Also, through the counseling of his group of random advice givers, he's said we should break off with the physical stuff. ...I could have told him that, but I've been using it as reassurance that he still loves me. Because at the least, he is still physically attracted to me. Yes, I am a sad, strange little chibi. I don't handle emotional rejection well, and while he's said his feelings toward me haven't changed...he also has said he's not sure if it's love or not. And this makes me sad.
I am scared that he will find someone else. I don't want him to. I don't think I'd take it well. I'm scared that I'm still going to love him and he'll move on and I'll just be there, unable to deal. I wish he could work things out and find out he does love me and want me back and damn, a long distance relationship would be so much easier than this. This is tormenting.
He's decided since he screwed everything up, that he should make it better. But...as much as I'm upset right now, I don't want him back unless he means it. Unless he wants it. And really, that's the only thing I can think of right now that would make it better. And, though I did tell him that I still love him, I did not ask if we could get back together sometime in the future. Cuz I'm still too scared of his answer to that.
Everything was just...comfortable with him. I didn't feel as if I had to censor myself, or be someone else...and now I feel like I'm playing a part so I don't make things worse between us, and I just don't know what to do. Part of me says to give up and move on, but every time I try...chu...I just want him back. That's all.



It is...only...two days away now....
I should, as a responsible, hard working nineteen year old, be much calmer about this convention. But instead, I find myself giggling in excitement.
My kimono costume is done and awesome!
In other, non-Otakon related news...
At this point...there is none.


Otakon Ahoy!

Shamelessly stealing the nautical terminology from Brian. Anyway, as I sit here at 11 or so, it is soon to be nine days and counting til Otakon 2005.
Costumes finished- one and three-fourths. I'll explain.
Kimono outfit and rave outfit are both very very nearly done. For the kimono I need to finish up a purse and also the tabi. For the rave outfit I need to get my jelly bracelets together, ask mom for glow bracelets, and then buy pink ribbons to lace my boots with.
Note, the catgirl outfit is completely incomplete. And as stated...nine days. So I basically have a weekend to make this outfit. Joy.
At the very least, I need to make the cat stuff, tail, ears, gloves, boots, and improvise around lack of corset.
...I just realized I've been planning this costume since December and it is no more a reality than the flying pig.



After a quick internet search, it appears that this wonderful Totoro cupcake is...handmade. Not for sale. I am so sad. Oh, well, now I have a baking challenge for Brian...
Mmm. And their cupcakes are green tea flavored, apparently.

Not Insane. I Promise.

cupcake buddy tiny
Originally uploaded by Shortness.

...really I'm not. And now, the reason why I must declare this fact before continuing this post.


A. Totoro. Cupcake. For those not in the know, "My Neighbor Totoro" is a children's anime, a delightful little animated movie from Japan about a couple of little girls who move with their dad to a place in the Japanese countryside, so as to have a nice restful place to bring their mom when she gets out of the hospital. However, the countryside has a lot more superstitions and stuff, and they learn about the nature spirits that guard the places. It's fairly old, but really really cute, and there was a group who cosplayed the catbus from it last year at Otakon. Anyway, the Totoro are friendly spirits that they meet. AND THERE IS A CUPCAKE! Found this picture uploaded at http://cupcakestakethecake.blogspot.com/, which is THE cupcake blog. I go there to drool over delicious delicious looking cupcakes, for they put up the prettiest pictures they find. I am certain that this is either a Totoro or a cheap Totoro knockoff. Where the hell can I get me one of these?


Happy Birthday To Me...

Is it just me, or do birthdays get awfully depressing as you get older? I am officially nineteen as of yesturday...and it's all like, woo. I'm going to be, like, twenty. In a year. Sorta freaking me out.
Anyway, I had a little party and stuff. Got nice presents and things. Took Brian home, then we went walking. Ended up in a beautiful little wooded area in the dark, with fireflies all around...poetry material, honestly. He's going to move to his dad's, y'know, and I am all freaked about that too, cuz...ne, it feels like he's running from me, personally, even though he isn't. And I know that. But...gah, this is too complicated.
He did ask why I was still all, y'know, there, and loyal, and while I know that it's partly just my nature, I'd still do more for him than for a friend. So yeah...I used to not be so freaking obvious, I hope. It's just been a bad month or so.
Either way, I couldn't just up and tell him I still loved him. I am a big, humoungous chicken. However, I did end up soaking his shirt again...and just when he stopped carrying tissues too. Later, though, it sounded like he knew what I didn't want to say, and asked why I didn't tell him. Well, Brian, if you ever read this, it's because I didn't want to hear what you might say in return, okay? Also, stop trying to set me up with people because I am not over you, damn it, and it's not going to be fair to anyone if I get into a relationship that I am not ready for right now! *deep breath*
Anyway, Otakon is going to be wierd if the boys...well, actually, I don't care if Alex flirts so long as I can stand the girl. But Brian? I am still rather possessive over, and I don't really know how I'll react if I feel like someone else has most of his attention. I mean, I'm wearing a fairly revealing costume part of the time. Someone sure as hell better be looking. And as I am not good at flirting, or with strange guys (strange as in I don't know them, not as in they are dressed up in an anime related costume)...chu. Brian was the one who made me feel...I don't know. Pretty? Desireable? Yeah. Knowing someone likes how you look, and stuff gives you the daring to wear more revealing outfits. I may have to go throw on the kimono over the corset otherwise.
And Otakurave? Same deal. I am not particularly skinny(Heh, read that as not at all...I am padded in all places. Comfortable is a good word.), and I don't want to stay where I feel like a wallflower. Is very very...unsettling? Anyway, I should have Brian and Alex to dance with. I hope they don't get stolen away from me too fast. *sigh*
Yeah. Otakon better get here fast before I die of worry.