8.26.2005

Blargh.

Gah. Brian has moved away. One would think that at this point I would feel relieved that he's not around to torment me anymore, but damn. I want him back.
Okay, I've come to terms with the facts that A. I love him and want things to go back to how they were, and B. We are indeed broken up. We had a lovely conversation the other day about how I am being too possessive and girlfriendy. My sociology book says that it's cuz I'm afraid of losing him. Which I am. Which I have, so now I have an explanation for why I don't want to let anyone else get near him. I honestly was nowhere near this bad when I was still with him.
Also, through the counseling of his group of random advice givers, he's said we should break off with the physical stuff. ...I could have told him that, but I've been using it as reassurance that he still loves me. Because at the least, he is still physically attracted to me. Yes, I am a sad, strange little chibi. I don't handle emotional rejection well, and while he's said his feelings toward me haven't changed...he also has said he's not sure if it's love or not. And this makes me sad.
I am scared that he will find someone else. I don't want him to. I don't think I'd take it well. I'm scared that I'm still going to love him and he'll move on and I'll just be there, unable to deal. I wish he could work things out and find out he does love me and want me back and damn, a long distance relationship would be so much easier than this. This is tormenting.
He's decided since he screwed everything up, that he should make it better. But...as much as I'm upset right now, I don't want him back unless he means it. Unless he wants it. And really, that's the only thing I can think of right now that would make it better. And, though I did tell him that I still love him, I did not ask if we could get back together sometime in the future. Cuz I'm still too scared of his answer to that.
Everything was just...comfortable with him. I didn't feel as if I had to censor myself, or be someone else...and now I feel like I'm playing a part so I don't make things worse between us, and I just don't know what to do. Part of me says to give up and move on, but every time I try...chu...I just want him back. That's all.

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