8.02.2005

Happy Birthday To Me...

Is it just me, or do birthdays get awfully depressing as you get older? I am officially nineteen as of yesturday...and it's all like, woo. I'm going to be, like, twenty. In a year. Sorta freaking me out.
Anyway, I had a little party and stuff. Got nice presents and things. Took Brian home, then we went walking. Ended up in a beautiful little wooded area in the dark, with fireflies all around...poetry material, honestly. He's going to move to his dad's, y'know, and I am all freaked about that too, cuz...ne, it feels like he's running from me, personally, even though he isn't. And I know that. But...gah, this is too complicated.
He did ask why I was still all, y'know, there, and loyal, and while I know that it's partly just my nature, I'd still do more for him than for a friend. So yeah...I used to not be so freaking obvious, I hope. It's just been a bad month or so.
Either way, I couldn't just up and tell him I still loved him. I am a big, humoungous chicken. However, I did end up soaking his shirt again...and just when he stopped carrying tissues too. Later, though, it sounded like he knew what I didn't want to say, and asked why I didn't tell him. Well, Brian, if you ever read this, it's because I didn't want to hear what you might say in return, okay? Also, stop trying to set me up with people because I am not over you, damn it, and it's not going to be fair to anyone if I get into a relationship that I am not ready for right now! *deep breath*
Anyway, Otakon is going to be wierd if the boys...well, actually, I don't care if Alex flirts so long as I can stand the girl. But Brian? I am still rather possessive over, and I don't really know how I'll react if I feel like someone else has most of his attention. I mean, I'm wearing a fairly revealing costume part of the time. Someone sure as hell better be looking. And as I am not good at flirting, or with strange guys (strange as in I don't know them, not as in they are dressed up in an anime related costume)...chu. Brian was the one who made me feel...I don't know. Pretty? Desireable? Yeah. Knowing someone likes how you look, and stuff gives you the daring to wear more revealing outfits. I may have to go throw on the kimono over the corset otherwise.
And Otakurave? Same deal. I am not particularly skinny(Heh, read that as not at all...I am padded in all places. Comfortable is a good word.), and I don't want to stay where I feel like a wallflower. Is very very...unsettling? Anyway, I should have Brian and Alex to dance with. I hope they don't get stolen away from me too fast. *sigh*
Yeah. Otakon better get here fast before I die of worry.

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